Tools to solve a couple’s crisis

Society, television series, successful novels and Disney films convey the simplistic idea that romantic relationships are based on romantic love.

However, the reality of relationships is another very different from the famous “love at first sight” or the fallacy “happily ever after”. To a greater or lesser extent, crises affect all couples before or after.

Obviously, it would be strange, as well as boring and even suspicious, that in a couple there would never be a difference of opinion or that their members would never have an argument.

In couples, there are always (and should) differences, but sometimes, this disparity of opinion may gradually grow to the point of bursting into a serious crisis in which its members are at the crossroads to consider whether there is a future for their relationship.

Just in those moments of crisis, many couples decide to go to my office for advice and a quick solution to their problems. However, as I said, a couple’s crisis is a very complex situation, so it can not be resolved with a series of quick canned tips.

If these people are really willing to work to find effective solutions to their crisis, they will have to deepen and understand the whole story of their partner very well.

Frequently, the couple’s crises do nothing more than exposing an accumulation of problems that already existed, but that had not been faced before. In these cases, the crisis is the opportunity to resolve those pending issues and enrich the relationship.

How to solve a couple’s crisis?

In the previous appointment we make before starting work, I always clarify to these couples that my goal will not be to fight to keep the couple together, nor to force a breakup. I offer you tools that have served many other couples and that they can use to improve, day by day, their relationship.

When both members have a real interest in healing the relationship, my work to help them focuses on three fundamental pillars: communication, empathy and personal work.

Tools to solve a couple’s crisis

1. Communication.

The lack of communication leads to the distance between people and leaves room for assumptions and/or misinterpretations.

A healthy communication involves expressing what one feels in each moment, transmitting our expectations and our desires. The sooner we express ourselves, the better, in this way, we will not accumulate resentments or negative emotions.

2. Empathy.

This is the ability to put ourselves in the place of the other person to understand the reasons why, in various situations, they conduct themselves in one way or another.

Most of the time, we interpret situations from our sole point of view, however, if we can broaden the focus we can understand much better the causes of our partner’s behavior.

I have amply proven that if both parties take this exercise of empathy seriously, their problems are greatly reduced.

3. Personal work.

We all carry a backpack of experiences, traumas, and memories that affect how we interpret and how present situations influence us. This also happens in our life as a couple.

A little anger can turn into an erupting volcano if it rubs us in some open and unresolved wound of our past.

I remember the example of Mario, who went into a rage when he felt that his partner was not listening to him, because in those moments, he relived all the emotions of the many times he had not been heard as a child.

His present anger was disproportionate, but completely understandable if we consider his story.

Only when Mario confronted and worked his childhood could he focus, completely free of conditionings, on his relationship as a couple.

I consider that this last point is the most important one to deal with since it goes directly to work the origin of the crisis and to release the past (and heavy) burden that clouds the present. Once this work is done, we can see the current relationship with much more clarity.

It is essential to keep in mind the fact that, as with other family or friendship relationships, there will always be differences between the members of the couple.

These differences may be greater or lesser and may cause more or less serious crises, but we must not focus on avoiding these crises, but on being prepared to face them in an objective and mature manner.

The steps we have discussed above will not prevent crises, but they do provide us with new tools that will help us solve them in the best possible way.